This is a message I deeply respect and understand from different but similar experiences.
My father fought over 250 fights in his life. Before he went to the Other Side Camp he told me it he had his life to live over again he would never participate in any sport where the purpose was to hurt another human being!
In my younger days in every football game I played in, I was playing against the 7th Calgary and I wanted to physically hurt my opponents! In wrestling I was fighting against General Custer and I wanted to physically hurt my opponents. Today, I feel exactly like my father before he died. And I know now, without that rage and anger I would have been a much better, thoughtful, and strategic football player and wrestler! Without that rage and anger and I would live much longer than I will!