Addressing Sexual Abuse
Both of my parents attended residential schools. As a result of their abusive experiences in residential schools and the world they grew up in, I, also, experienced, physical and emotional abuse growing up as a child.
By the time I was twelve I had become so physically and emotionally tough that when I cut the meaty part of my hand almost to the bone with an ax, I felt no pain. I was so proud of myself for being able to go beyond the pain that I walked up to my father and said with big a smile, “I cut myself.” When the doctor sewed me up, I refused any painkillers so I could show my father how tough I had become.
Because of their own experiences and teachings growing up, especially from Indian Boarding Schools my parents never discussed anything sexual with me or my sister. When I asked my parents where a baby came from it took months for them to give me some sort of vague answer.
At 12, with no real understanding of sexuality, an older boy from the European tribes, who I deeply trusted and admired, got me drunk for the first time and sexually abused me. Afterward, I became so angry, drunk, and sick that I tore up the basement he abused me in, threw up everywhere, and eventually passed out. (I realize now that, in a way, this was my first act of resistance against sexual abuse.)
The next day the older boy who I loved and admired so very much completely rejected me. This does not help one's trust.
I competed in Football, Wrestling, and Track, in High School and Wrestling and Track at University. In every competition, I imagined that my opponents were the young man who sexually abused me.
Every match I wrestled I was out to hurt my opponent. The only two exceptions were when I wrestled Joe Hoptowit, Yakima Nation, and Vernon Six Killer, a Pawnee, who lived in Yakima, Washington. I did not have these feelings for them.
This experience of sexual abuse at the beginning of my life as a young man hurt me very, very deeply. As I understood more and more the reality of what had happened to me, combined with intergenerational trauma and the impact of the sick, racist materialistic world that surrounds us, my shame, fear, self-hatred, rage, and anger grew stronger and stronger. As a young man, I abused myself with alcohol and drugs.
I would strike out with violence if I felt the slightest disrespect. One time, after being confronted, I beat up a 6’5” United States Marine, who had just returned from Vietnam, so badly, that they had to remove his eye.
Since everyone present witnessed that he started the fight I was exonerated of any responsibility for the result of his action.
I had abusive and unhealthy relationships with women.
Sometimes I didn’t care if I lived or died. Because I felt so ashamed, fearful, unworthy, and untrusting, I was unable to have trusting, honest, warm, and loving relationships with others. I couldn’t talk to anyone about any of my feelings.
The only thing that saved me from a painful, premature death was the spiritual and cultural teachings, prophecies, and stories of the greatness of our Indigenous peoples that were shared with me by my parents, extended family, and loved ones and learning about the spiritual teachings and prophecies of the great Spiritual Teachers who have always guided our Human Family.
Although, our family was impacted by intergenerational trauma, in some parts of our life, I was very, very fortunate never to hear my father raise his voice to my mother, hit her, or ever swear in her presence. I, also, have always known deep in my heart that my parents have always loved my sister and me more than life, itself.
Through these spiritual influences, in 1967, in the darkest heart of my suffering, I had a spiritual experience that inspired and empowered me to free myself from my self-destructive addictions and to do all I could to serve the people and the Creator.
During this time of spiritual renewal, I met a beautiful and deeply spiritual woman with who I believed I would be with forever. We had a beautiful wedding and for two years our life together was filled with great spiritual, love, unity, growth, and beauty.
In our mutual desire to be of service to Indigenous Peoples and the Human Family, we left our jobs, our home, and all our possessions and traveled to Bolivia. We found Bolivia to be a sacred land filled with millions of Indigenous relatives of great spiritual, strength, understanding, and wisdom.
In a way, it was like going back in history when our own Indigenous peoples of North America retained our spiritual purity, innocence, and unified strength. I never wanted to leave forever, but the Creator had another plan.
Every morning, I would pray and meditate for an hour. Understanding that forgiveness was a primary key to my healing, I began to pray fervently to the Creator to learn to be forgiving.
After two months of praying to learn to be forgiving, my beloved wife was brutally raped by the drunken son of a wealthy Bolivian family known for their long-time brutality and abuse of Indigenous peoples. Even though I confronted him shortly after the rape and he was arrested, because of the wealth and power of his family and the corrupt justice system, he was eventually set free.
It was through this experience I realized that along with our own hurt, pain, and rage, we, also, carry the hurt, pain, and rage of our ancestors. For when this happened it seemed like the unresolved hurt, pain, and rage of 1000 generations come boiling up inside me.
My faith in the Creator was shattered. I spoke to the Creator with great anger and bitterness, “I tried with all my heart to serve the people and fulfill your sacred teachings! How could you allow my beloved wife to be brutally raped? What did she do to deserve this brutal attack on her sacredness as a woman and a human being?”
In the end, our relationship was destroyed by this brutal act of rape and all the pain and hurt that comes with such an experience.
It was through this very painful and heartbreaking experience of rape and other abuse I have faced in my life that the Creator taught me some very important spiritual principles.
Be careful what you pray for, the Creator will always answer your prayers. Sometimes the answer will come in ways we don’t expect, but the Creator will never give us a test we can’t pass, as long as we keep praying and remain faithful.
We cannot learn to be truly forgiving human beings unless we are treated with great injustice and with hurtful actions we don’t deserve. The only person who can teach the person with the whip what true love and forgiveness are about is the person being whipped.
When we ask the Creator for the strength we will receive tests and difficulties to make us strong. When we ask for wisdom, the Creator will give us many problems to solve. When we ask for great courage the Creator will give us heroic obstacles to overcome.
For we can not be a good leader of warriors unless we have been in front of the fiercest battles and received the deepest wounds.
And, finally, as our wise spiritual leaders have always taught us, do you think you can say you believe in the Creator and will not be tested? For when the cry of truth is raised, so is the cry of denial.
At the same time, as my father always taught me along my healing journey, " Son if you feel it, you can heal it, if you can speak about it about you can understand it."
Always remember the tears are not the pain they are a release from the pain, the trembling, and cold preparation are not the fear, they are a release of the fear, and the same goes for the rest of our emotions.
The key is to find a safe place and a safe person to release the trauma, as we are ready. And life is a life-long spiritual journey, with many challenges that require ongoing healing and spiritual growth.
You can never be too spiritually kind, loving, compassionate, humble, respectful, forgiving, truthful, understanding, courageous, joyful, or happy.
Dekshi and Brother Phil
