This letter to my sister about marriage is what I still understand, almost 50 years later!
Sucre, Bolivia July 20, 1970
My Dear Family,
Hope you are all well and in the best of health and spirits. We received your letter today, Mom. Thank you so much for taking care of our bills and forwarding our mail. We did not receive the tape, yet, so it may have been lost or stolen. You had better send any in the future by registered mail for extra safety.
Deloria, I would like to take this opportunity to share with you my humble thoughts on marriage as Mom mentioned you are considering getting married in September. I don’t know what your feelings are or your future husband, Lori, but I have great faith in you and know you have two of the wisest people I know, Mom and Dad to consult with.
Even though, we as young people, getting our first taste for life and responsibility, feel we know quite a bit about our needs and have a great optimism about all things, I’ve found that more times than once, that the old folks have a real wisdom and knowledge that comes with the pain and education of experience. We must always prayerfully and carefully consider their views before we reach our decisions. Of anyone on Mother Earth, you can rest assured that they hope and pray for the best for us.
Once our decision has been prayerfully and carefully made and is carried out, we must always remember that it is our very own spiritual condition we find ourselves in. This is very important to remember because when tests and difficulties arise in marriage, and they undoubtedly do, it is very easy to blame our troubles on our spouse, the past or other people when the problem actually lies in our own lack of spiritual growth and understanding.
As marriage is a Divine Institution of our Creator and meant to endure for eternity, we must turn our hearts to the Creator of All Good Things and the Blessed Beauty in prayer and consideration, whether we took the advice of our Elders or not! We must fully accept we are on the path we are on because we freely chose that path. In short, we are responsible for our own soul and whatever meditation we made before embarking on this great and eternal step, of Marriage. If we do this daily and ask for for the Creators, and the Ancient of Day’s aid and assistance in making our marriage “become the sign of harmony and unity until the end of time,” our Beloved Creator will assuredly aid us.
If marriage is not built on a spiritual foundation, but only on a physical foundation, it will not endure. Even with a spiritual foundation, the tests and challenges that come with marriage, to help us become more unified and loving to one another, can be really tough, especially, in this day when the sacredness of marriage is being replaced by easy divorce.
In my short experience, I can say that marriage built on a spiritual foundation can be truly heavenly! But if it is not firmly established on a spiritual foundation the pain and the disunity both to us and others that come with divorce can last for a long time, as I have painfully and personally experienced.
We must remember that the love we give must not be conditioned on what we receive in return. When we accept someone to be our partner for eternity we must realize that their thoughts and ways are not always going to be our thoughts and ways. We must accept them totally, both their strong and weak points. To love someone and when they don’t return the love you give, in just the way we think it should be and then we get angry and hurt is a limited love that must be purified from our own selfish expectations and choices.
An imperfect love like this is no different than a business deal where you pay someone for some things and when what you thought you bought isn’t exactly as you thought it would be, you are angry. Not that there shouldn’t be justice between two people, but if we have informed ourselves thoroughly of our partner's character before we are married, as the Servant of Our Creator clearly counsels us to do, then we are informed of these imperfections and have chosen to face them with our beloved one.
Dad told me that marriage is not always a 50/50 deal. Sometimes it’s 20/70, sometimes it’s 80/20 or 50/60. Whatever it is, our commitments to the Creator and to our Beloved One remain the same.
As you can see from all I’ve written, I believe the best foundation for a truly happy marriage is a spiritual union that is immersed in the Love of the Creator. For while we must be self-subsisting in our material needs of life, Cynthia and I found here in Bolivia that we can be happy with very few material things if we turn toward Our Beloved Creator and the Ancient of Days and strive daily to attain the spiritual qualities and perfections of the Great Spirit.
We must also be prayerfully aware that marriage comes with the possibility and responsibility of children. This is something we must really think about and consider. Our children are love and gift entrusted to us by the Great Spirit and the Blessed Beauty and have eternal implications.
There are other important considerations, but if the spiritual laws and responsibilities are prayerfully understood and followed, the inevitable tests and difficulties that accompany marriage will prove to be stepping stones to a greater spiritual unity and happiness.
Well, my little sister, enough of a big brother’s advice. I hope it will be of some aid to you in your consideration and plans. Know that you are in my prayers every day and that you have my love in whatever you do.
Please write and let us know of all your excitement and plans. Please give our very best to your intended and all our beloved friends in Walla Walla.
Grandmother, Hope you are feeling well. I would really enjoy knowing some more of our family history, names of your Great-Great Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and other such things.
Please give our love to everyone at the Vale Family Reunion, especially my Aunt Mar. Thank you very much for your birthday gift. It means so much, as I know you don’t have much materially. Please know in my eyes that, spiritually, you are a most Brilliant Spiritual Sun and that’s what counts.
Mom and Dad, it is so difficult to say in words all my feeling and love for you. Know that you are in my prayers and thoughts every day and the love that you’ve given me all my life is with me and grows more every day.
May God and His Divine Teachings be with you all and Bless your every step. Your Grandson, Son, and Brother,
Phil
